


A Day in the Life of Jared Kleinman

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: He talks about disappearing, I still don't really like Jared so..., Inner Dialogue, Insecure Jared Kleinman, Light Angst, Mentioned Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Mentioned Evan Hansen, Oh yeah how could I forget:, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Slight Suicidal Ideation, not like my usual stuff, not that sorry, poor Jared, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 08:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20078836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Nobody notices Jared's panic attacks.And maybe that's for the best. Evan doesn't need a second person to worry about, he has his own issues, and Jared isn't the type to spill his guts onto another. Much less someone who is already emotionally unstable. He wouldn't do that to his friend.Family  friend.Sometimes Jared forgets that too.Or...Jared has one of Those days.





	A Day in the Life of Jared Kleinman

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't like Jared angst but I needed some to project on that wasn't Evan so. Here.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Swearing, detailed description of a panic attack, slight suicidal ideation

There are two different types of panic attacks, Jared thinks.

There's the _panic _panic attacks. The ones that latch onto an idea, a concept, a single thought. The ones that grow and fester deep inside your ribcage, filling and rising until it creeps up your throat, seeps into your lungs, and blocks your vision. How they render you immobile as you curl up tight, making you look as small as you feel. The ones that rack your body with gasping sobs and raspy breaths until you think you might die from the pain in your chest. How your lips turn slightly purple from lack of air, and you don't even realize that you're tensing every muscle into your body until they scream at you from the strain. The panic attacks that leave you empty, and cold, and hollow. Like you've just had your guts scooped out like a jack-o-lantern.

The second one, well, we'll get to that later.

The first are the most visible. The ones you see on the TV.

The ones that Evan has.

He feels ridiculous for being jealous of a fucking _panic attack _but here he is. Digging his nails into his palm as he coaches Evan through breathing exercises in the back of an empty classroom. And all he can feel is blatant, selfish, jealously over something so _horrible._

***

He only vaguely hears Evan breathe out a small thanks after it's all over. Barely registers how Evan yelps and hurriedly shouts something about being late to sixth period. Doesn't notice when he moves from his kneeling position and wanders clumsily to his beat up PT Cruiser, hopping into the backseat and shutting the door with a slam.

Because nobody notices Jared's panic attacks.

And maybe that's for the best. Evan doesn't need a second person to worry about, he has his own issues, and Jared isn't the type to spill his guts onto another. Much less someone who is already emotionally unstable. He wouldn't do that to his friend.

_Family _friend.

Sometimes Jared forgets that too.

Because he has _real_ friends, right? Evan is a nerd. A loser. Besides, Jared has his camp friends.

You know, the ones he hasn't spoke to since late July? The ones that promised him they'd never forget him, but seem to have done as much as not one has kept in contact with him since then?

And he has some school friends too.

The kids he sits with at lunch. The ones that tolerate his presence enough to let him stick around for a bit but never addressing him personally. The guys who make plans in front of his face, never bothering to invite him, and when they do he's an afterthought. _'Oh Kleinman, you comin too?' _ Who he claims to be his _real _friends but has never not once hung out with any of them outside of a group setting.

You could say he's quite a popular guy. 

The fucking truth is, is that Jared is just as much of a loser as Evan. Maybe even as much as Connor _Murphy_, who he is convinced is gonna shoot up the school some point this year.

Nobody really notices him, and Jared is starting to convince himself that nobody really _knows_ him either. Evan sure doesn't. He thinks he might have used to, some time ago. Maybe eighth grade. _Before_ Evan started drifting into the tight hold of crippling mental illness, leaving Jared to navigate high school alone.

He's still bitter about it, even if it was never Evan's fault and rather the work of shitty brain chemistry.

***

Jared's having trouble understanding how someone like Evan, who has a freak out every other day could be so blind to him. Maybe that's why he's so bitter. Because Evan sees Jared but never really stops to _observe. _To look into his eyes and ask if he's truly ok.

Or maybe he's just trying to justify being an asshole.

But we're getting a bit off topic aren't we?

He tends to do that when panicking.

This brings us to type two.

The panic _attack. _Because that's what it is. An attack. The other one- the first one, is watery and wet and usually caused by some stupid irrational _what if_ and it's not like you remember half of what was going on inside your head for the past twenty or so minutes.

That's what makes this one so much worse.

It comes out of nowhere you see? All it takes is a small trigger and you're off. Usually in the form of a realization. A bitter truth uncovered.

Such as the sudden awareness that he _really is _just a blip on the school social map. A grain of salt, who will _probably_ never amount to anything worthwhile. A friendless asshole; overall just a pitiful fucking excuse of a person, and a real shitty friend too.

It's hard to find out that it doesn't matter in the long run if he makes it out of high school or not.

Nobody would be any the wiser if he just...

Lets not dwell on that.

You falter, and fizzle out, limbs growing heavy, hands slightly shaky, heart beating irregularly, breathing off kilter. Like slipping and falling straight onto your back and feeling the breath leave you in one foul swoop.

And all you can do is lay there paralyzed until the breath comes back. Until the pit of dread laying heavy in your stomach like lead slowly dissipates.

The breathing exercises don't work, _'trust me I've tried'__. _All you can really do is pray that it goes away before someone notices your hands are shaking.

They never do.

Because it's subtle. It doesn't look much from the outside. There are no tears, no hyperventilating, no gasping for air. Nobody would be able to tell you're internally fighting a war with yourself.

All Jared wants is for someone to notice him. To touch his shoulder gently and ask if he's ok because _'you look a little pale, do you need some water?' _ He just wants to be acknowledged. For someone to look at him and automatically know his name because he's the kind of guy who leaves an impression.

For Jared to know that somebody would notice if he disappeared.

That's what todays crisis is about he notes, as he clenches and unclenches his hands as he sits silently in the backseat.

***

He doesn't know what he's waiting for, his panic attack is long gone by now.

He breathes slowly, unlatching the door handle and switching into the drivers seat. Plugging the key into the ignition, he pulls out of the parking lot. They won't notice if he slips off ten minutes early.

Another day in the life of Jared Kleinman.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is heavily based off of personal experience, and my experiences are gonna be different then yours so don't throw stones at me. This was just meant to be some shitty one AM vent fic that took way longer than expected so. 
> 
> I should sleep, its past five in the morning, damn.
> 
> But I do hope it wasn't a complete waste of time reading this.
> 
> (ALSO, BONUS POINTS IF YOU FIND THE BMC REFERENCE))


End file.
